Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
