Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You ruined the universe
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
