I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
