Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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