We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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