I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
worst night to have a conscience
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
