just tell him i said nine months
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
