margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
