dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
