where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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