bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
