We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
