If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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