I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
