my soul wont recognize me after tonight
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
