My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
