Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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