So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
