i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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