I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
