I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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