Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't deserve a penis
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
