I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
