I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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