did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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