"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
