Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
