So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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