Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
