Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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