My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Dear god my vagina.
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