Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
