I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
