He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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