theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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