So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
