either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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