There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
