Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
