Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you didnt know i had herpes?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
