She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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