I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
