there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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