If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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