just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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