there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
