You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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