apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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