So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
