im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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